LIfe rattlings of a Lesbian
by Lone Draco
Summary: a look into HAruka's/michiru's journal as she is just starting to realize she is lesbian. Please R&R (New Chapter)
1. Dear Kix

~ Life Rattlings of a Lesbian~  
by:skylorduranus  
Before we have ficage a few disclaimers.  
  
1)I don't own Sailor Uranus or any other Sailormoon characters for that   
matter. But if y'all want me to continue to work on this my creations   
might insert themselves and they will belong to me.   
2)Yuri warning, well okay the whole thing is about yuri-so bite me!   
3)E-mail and comments are always welcome, but if you send me anything   
offence I'll have to shave off all your skin,then through you in a   
bathtub full of salt water! Bwahahahaha!!!  
4)E-mail me at skylorduranus@hotmail.com  
5)I need 3reviews to continue with this so if you like or even if you   
hate. REVIEW!!!!  
6)I can't spell   
7)This is a journal type story, somewhat of an experiment   
8)Kix is what Haruka calls her journal and she refers to the book as Kix.  
9)Kate is my made-up Haruka's friend that is also lesbian.  
Okay with no further ado,  
  
~life rattlings of a lesbian~  
by:skylorduranus  
  
Dear Kix,   
At times I wish you were some scholar somewhere that could answer all  
of my questions. But hey writing in you does help. I feel like my life  
is falling down around me. My friends, I think, are picking up on my  
biggest secret, that I'm lesbian. I know I should tell people but...hey  
can you blame me? Last night my mom brought up an old friend, Kate. If only  
I could talk to her now! There are so many things I could and need to   
ask her! She, mabey, is the only person who knows what I'm going through   
right now as I fill your blank pages with my rattlings. My biggest   
problem is...how do I tell my mom? I know she'll understand but still   
how do you tell your mother about that? I'm sorta half hoping she'll   
read this and my secret will be out. It feels like someone took my  
heart and coated it with metal while I hide this secret. I only wish   
paper could answer my questions. I want to talk to someone about this   
but who? My first choices are my mother or Kate but, Kate is in some   
High School somewhere and I don't know where. My mom on the other hand   
would probably tell father and I kind of want this to stay between me   
and her. Oh god! What about my grandparents? What will they think?  
How do I tell my family about this? How do I tell anyone that I'm   
Lesbian? At school it's like torture, because people use the insult  
your gay and if I don't laugh or diney it , I'm automatically Gay.  
I'm going to write a story about this and send it in to somewhere after  
I tell my mom. And we move back to square one, how to tell my mother?  
Oh Kate if only I could talk to you right now! How did you tell your   
family? Why me?!? My friends all say their not homophobic but, I don't  
know. I don't think they'd take it lightly if I walked up and said,  
"Hey guys! Guess what? I'm lesbian! Still stand for our rights?" Would my   
friends disert me? I don't really know. How do I explain to the guys   
who like me that I don't like them because my taste lies in girls?   
How weird would that, be? Abit too weird for my tastes. And now we   
Jump around some more on the chessboard of life. Gotta go, I have  
track tomorrow and I need sleep. Thanx for listening ... or more  
lending a page. I times I forget your not human Kix. I'll write   
again when the need arises.  
  
All respect,  
Haruka   
  
Fin'   
skylordurnaus 01'  
  
like?hate?Should I ever type agian?Please read and review. or if you're  
at this point of the fic review.  



	2. Dear Kel

~Life Rattlings of A Lesbian-Part 2~  
Note:I still don't own sailormoon *sigh*  
Okay Yay, people liked the first part so I diceded to continue,this chapter is from   
Michiru's POV please R&R! By the way Michiru calls her diary Kel.  
  
Dear Kel,  
How are you today?My life is the same as usual, I haven't sommuned   
up the courage to tell yet a single soul. YOu are the only one who   
knows I'm Bisexual. I never really thought about what people think about  
us,that is I mean the non-heterosexuals out there.I don't like using   
homosexual, it leaves such a bitter taste in your mouth.I'm sorry I   
seem to be rattling agian. I'm sitting here on my bed filling your  
pages with my problems, yet...yet I just don't feel like there is any  
hope...is anyone else going through what I feel day and night?The fear  
that someone will find your journal and you will lose the only people  
closest to you?I just don't know anymore Kel, some girls at my school  
pretend to be Bisexual to get guys. It makes me sick just to watch them.  
They have no idea what it's like having something that secretive hanging  
over you head throughout everthing you do or say.I need a human who has  
been through this to talk to!Kel, help me!I wish that paper and a leather  
cover could solve all my problems and that your blank pages could offer  
a cover of protection for me and they do somewhat.You are there to listen.  
A guy asked me out and I agreed but how can I explain to him that no-  
matter how much he cares for me my love for him will never be true?How  
do I tell my parents about this?They are the people I know I need to   
tell and my heart is screaming for me to tell them, but my mind disagrees.  
Mabey someday my heart will overpower my mind,but not now. Not now indeed.  
People think I am too young to worrie or even care about these things   
but in truth it burdens us more as teenagers than adults,for as now  
we seek to find a niche in life. Kel why am I such a winp?Why cant I   
tell anyone?Am I still afraid to admit it to myself?I need someone  
so badly to talk with about this!I was talking with my friend yesterday  
and she asked me if I was a Lesbian.I thought about spilling the beans  
but I backed out and said no. Not a lie,just not the full truth. She   
said good. Now I know I could never tell her or possably any of my   
friends.Oh Kel!I need help. I am slipping closer and closer to the edge  
and how do I explain to my counsilor that my stress and depression is   
because of my sexual tastes?I must go. I have an art show tommorow and   
sleep will be needed.Thank you Kel for listening or more allowing me to   
write...it does help...alot. Until next time,  
  
All Respect,  
Michiru  
  
Yay!I finished Chapter 2!Do ya like?Should I write more? I have a few  
good idea's floating around in this head of mine. Was it as good   
as the last one?Please Review!  
~skylorduranus~ 


	3. Dear Kix-a simple end

~Life rattlings of a lesbian-part 3~  
  
normal disclaimers are inserted here  
  
*********  
  
Dear Kix,  
  
My cousin came over yesterday and she being the teenage girl everyone expects brought up the subject as usual of guys.My best friend couldn't help but notice my panicked expression for a few seconds.I am a good actor but hey that shook me up.Anyways so we start talking and she askes how far we've ever gone with a guy, and I reply 2nd base. How do I explain to her that I've been to 3rd base only it was with a girl?How do you tell someone about this?I'm so worried I'll lose my friends and family.But why I don't know..I know they'll accept me as I am or will they? Someday I will find my angel, an angel I can love until the end of time. But will my angel come? At the rate I'm going I could be 50 before I tell my family about my tastes. What makes us so different from heterosexuals? If I didn't tell you I was a LEsbian you would just go on thinking I'm strait and not think a second thought.But why when I do tell you that you shy away from me like I'm a disease?What makes us/me so different?So what if I find my happiness in a girl? Is it that wrong and unatural? I enjoy the theory I heard a couple of days ago that through-out their life a person will be attracted to someone their own sex...but only some will be attracked to the same sex their whole lives. Gives you something to think about. Did you know there are 1.2 gay/les/bi bashing per average day?What compells poeple to do such things to us?Why are we shunned? Why kix?I just don' know anymore.A ending seems to be more and more visible. All I'd have to do is pull the trigger and my pain would leave. Who would miss me?The way people are so homophobic today I am aimed to think that not a soul would mind I'm gone. All I'd have to do is pull the trigger and my pain would leave me. But why go to hel for these people and let them know that they've won? I won't go with out a fight but stil the thoughts still enter my mind. One day I 'll find her, my angel, my soulmate but until then, life gose on in a circle of hate and betrayel.  
Kix I only wish I can last until she comes, even my walls have a limit to the amount of pain they can hold off. I thank you for lending me your pages as an escape from the real world,Until next time if there is one,  
  
All Respect,  
Haruka  
  
************  
  
well?Like?hate? should I continue?Please review! 


	4. Dear Kel-wonderings

~Life Rattlings of A Lesbian~  
  
~Insert normal disclaimers here~  
  
Dear Kel,  
We moved. On top of all my problems I've been having lately. We moved!  
And not just a little move, we moved to JAPAN!!!Kel I just don't know   
what to do...ON advantage though is that homosexuality is almost welcomed  
here. At least I have a tad bit of that weight lifted off my shoulders.   
My parents could ruin my whole life, or fill it with joy if I just would\  
have the courage to tell them what I am.What I am? Even I'm making it seem  
like I'm a monster. LIke I'm some disease you wouldn't want to catch.  
I watched the movie X-man yesterday. The similarities are shocking, it   
really made me realize how much we humans will shun what we don't under-  
stand.And why I ask you Kel, why do we do that...mabey it's our nature  
but still one has to wonder why...Homosexual,Heterosexual...what's the   
differance only the obvious, both contain dovoted poeple who would give  
the world to the other if they only could.Someday I'll find her. Someday  
I'll be able to stop my search for the truth of my life and there she'll  
be.A place for me to take shelter from the world that is trying to swallow  
me into it's anti-homosexual ways. Even commercials,cartoons and movies  
promote the triditional Mother, Father child relationship. Why do we  
feel the need to shun so quickly what we don't understand???I know I   
repeat the same question over and over, but I just don't know anymore,I  
want...I need to know the answer!But who will give it to me?Where are  
you my Angel?My soulmate the woman who will wrap me in her arms adn tell  
me that the world isn't so bad after all. Where are you???Where is she??  
With all my respect  
  
LOve,  
Michiru 


	5. Dear Kix- angel

~Life rattlings of a lesbian~  
by:skylorduranus ( now lone wolve)  
*the long awaited chapter five!  
  
insert normal disclaimers....  
  
~Drop the disclaimers and shoot em again~  
  
with no further ado...  
  
~Life rattlings of a lesbian~  
By: skylorduranus  
  
Dear Kix,  
I finally have somethign good to fill you pages with, she's here,   
I can just feel it whenever she's in a room. I swear my heart would   
burst when I first saw her walk into math this morning, her aqua hair   
pulled into a bun, her american features that took my breath away.   
God she's amazing! Well that said, now I have the problem of not   
giving myself away to her, not letting her know what I am, I mean what   
I feel about girls. Heh and not about guys. I just don't know what to  
do I can hardly close my eyes without seeing her face. But she's a girl!  
I'm not supposed to like girls! How many times have my parents told   
me that once I go the courage to tell them? I was raised to like guys,   
but god I can't help it, I've never felt this way before. I don't know what to do,   
Kix I'm just so confused. And what will this mean for my future, I mean   
thought most people don't know it I have a paternal streek in me, but   
I can never have kids if I'm with a chick. Oh and I'll get to sit at family   
gatherings for the rest of my life and smile and nodd as they introduce my   
life partner as my roommate. I never should have thought they would   
understand...how could they? I mean their only daughter is a dyke...they  
probably think they did somethign wrong...well until next time, sorry this   
entry was so short,  
  
All respect,  
Haruka  
  
well then, that was short and maybe good? well I won't know until you review! Heh, so I guess you have ta! oh how sad! J/K sorry it took so long, I hope it was worth it! oh and tell me if I sshould change my name back please in your review to skylorduranus...tis up to my readers! 


	6. Dear Kel What Reason?

~Life rattlings of a Lesbian~ By: Skylorduranus Rating: R (angst and language)  
  
Disclaimer: A long long time ago in a galaxy far away, there were two star crossed lovers. And DiC saw this and went "holy shit protect the american children" and made them cousins. We slash writers all laughed and said "well fine you bigoted fools" and wrote it hear, though they pay us not.  
  
Author Note: Hello all my happy readers, I missed you all so dearly. Here is the next chapter in my slowly growing fic of the everyday woe of a lesbian, told from my heart to yours. Enjoy...  
  
With no further ado...  
  
~Life rattlings of a Lesbian~ By:Skylorduranus Chapter 6- Dear Kel  
  
Dear Kel, I should be doing my homework, I should be reteaching myself the three years of japanese I took, I should be finding some way to get up the courage to talk to my parents, I should be working on my art work for the next show, or the violin peice for my next recital. But I'm not. I'm layign here on my bed talking an innatment leather book bond with a single strand of hide that holds all my secrets. I could just leave you on their bed, hah. I can hear myself now. "Night mom, g'night papa, here's all the proof you'll need that I'm a dyke. Oh, and I love you too." Hah. I read over your pages and I am shocked at my cruedness, raw ,dry emotions fill your parchment lips and I am left as the bard, singing the woes of your neverending story. There I go again, spouting odd sniplits of poetry. Maybe that's where my problem lies, in the fact that I never really wanted to go out and flirt with the guys, always wanted to stay home and write poetry, never wanted to flirt with the football team, always wanted to draw the cheerleaders instead. Fuck it all Kel, why do I do this? Why do I put myself at such a level of scruitney? I've got the bruises to prove what my self-awareness has gotten me. Those cheerleaders, the ones I used to draw, the ring leader finds it justified to loft a rock at my head while screaming "dyke" and laughing hysterically. Mom and papa said this move was for the better, to connect us with our roots, with our family. For all I care, they can shoot me and throw me off of toyko tower. God Dammit! I'm a freak! Everyone else sees it! Why can't I? Why must I feel justified in my being what I am, why do I accept it as me when no one else can? Why am I a faggot? Why do I have to be the one at the roots of all their jokes and cruelty? Admist all this swirling black, I find one speck of golden dew. Her, she shares the torment and pain, and with one smile from her soft lips I find myself whisked away into a place where a rock cannot harm me, and words are simply toys that poets play with. She alone is worth the pain, but can she ever know how I feel? Is she one who bears the pain only because she knows nothing else...or could she...the one I adore...be bearing the pain...for me?  
  
Love, Michiru 


End file.
